How to Stop Spanking When You’re Hurt

July 16, 2022

30

Anxiety and depression are still significantly higher than before the pandemic, survey showsand both of them wereangry.

As a psychologist, I hear from my clients about how they find themselves insulting those around them because their nerves are so tense. Feeling scared, irritable, or sad is very uncomfortable. Verbal and physical actions can provide a temporary sense of relief, but ultimately it harms our relationships and those we care about and makes us feel even better. worse than.

While it’s difficult to stop pain from turning into anger, we can change the way we react to our emotions. Here are five strategies I share with my clients:

1. To act kind, start with compassion

Good people feel bad about hurting loved ones when they explode, leading to feelings of shame. And in turn, shame leads us to bury our heads in the sand to avoid dealing with reality. So first you need to accept that all human beings are fallible. That will help with the rejection.

List the specific consequences of angry behaviors for the people in your life. If you’re not sure how your actions affect others, ask them. Then check with yourself. How do you feel after losing your temper? Are you achieving your goals by acting this way? Are these angry behaviors consistent with the person you want to be a partner, friend, parent, boss, co-worker, neighbor, or relative?

The answer will tell you how much damage you have caused both to others and to yourself. It’s important to keep this in mind when embarking on behavior change.

2. Identify triggers and deal with underlying emotions

Take an inventory of typical situations where you blow up. Are you most vulnerable at the end of the day – when you come home hungry and exhausted? Does your Achilles heel hurt from rejection? Maybe your spouse’s more permissive parenting style makes you worry about your children being heavily criticized.

It is helpful to recognize your triggers so that you can avoid or modify these contexts. For example, take a break from discussing difficult topics at home if you tend to feel stuck and blown up there. Instead, have a rough chat with your partner during a walk. Or ask your roommate to give you some space when you’re feeling down if their intrusion tends to make you uncomfortable.

Many of my clients are surprised to find that anger often a secondary emotion obscure the other main ones. Try to determine if anxiety, depression, regret, pain, or frustration is hiding underneath the rage. If so, focus on dealing with the primary emotion first.

3. Pay attention to early physical signs of anger

This is the crux of how to stop lashing out in the meantime. Focus on what’s going on in your body when you start your anger wave. Each stage of anger begins with a fight-or-flight response. Do you have tightness in your chest or abdomen? Feeling blushing? Are you grinding your teeth or wrists? Dry mouth? Heart attack? Find out which sensations tend to come up first.

Next, Surfing on the waves of anger and the urge to act until you reach metaphorical shores. I often instruct my clients to re-create recent anger in their minds and then practice replaying the emotion. It turns out that emotions don’t last long if we don’t act on our discomfort.

If you can’t stay with the wave without getting hit, try the next two strategies first.

4. Practice Substitute Behaviors

Instead of yelling, cursing, or getting angry, consider walking away from the situation. You’ll need to do that at the first sign of anger and should have a plan for how you’re going to defend yourself and where you’re going. Inform friends and family that you are dealing with your aggressive behavior and that you may leave the situation abruptly. Saying you need to go to the bathroom or make a phone call is always an easy way to get rid of yourself quickly.

Going outside has many benefits if it is an option: changing the landscape to focus on, nature’s soothing effect and the presence of passers-by, reducing the chances of angry action. Otherwise, prepare a space to hang out in your home or office in advance. Wherever you go, make sure to stay there until your anger subsides.

To speed your return to a calm state, slow your breathing by counting to four seconds while inhaling and eight seconds for exhaling, while breathing from your belly instead of your chest. Or try another evidence-based activities I advise my clients: Get intense exercise, get your brains running by counting down from 100 to each animal, or name animals that start with each letter of the alphabet . You can also picture yourself at your favorite vacation spot, including all the sights, smells and sounds.

Eventually, you’ll be able to engage in these calming strategies, even when in an anger-provoking situation.

5. Act against your urges

This is where popular anger advice comes in handy: Smashing or slamming something will neither reduce your anger nor reduce your chances of hitting, despite its popularity. punching bags or blanks like Shipwreck room in London. Scientists have discovered that positive action actually increases fuel for anger. On the contrary, acts of kindness and gentleness can put out the flames.

So realize what you feel like doing when your pain turns to anger and then intentional do the opposite. Instead, if you feel the urge to raise your voice, speak softly and slowly. Instead, when you feel drawn to frowning, smile. When you’re about to say something harsh, bite your tongue. And the fact that you want to clench your fist and punch something is a signal that it’s time to put your palms on your thighs and relax your muscles.

What to do if someone attacks you

You can be left out asking what to do when you realize you’re receiving someone’s anger. When someone snaps at you and you suspect they’re hurting underneath, calmly ask them what’s going on. If it only increases their angry behavior, interrupt and don’t start over before they’re ready to talk without lashing out.

If you feel frustrated and angry at their anger and feel the urge to respond in kind, use the strategies above to stop yourself. No discussion is productive while everyone is flying out of hand.

If you constantly find yourself the target of someone’s tantrums – verbally or physically – contact National Domestic Violence Hotline or One Love Foundationdeal with relationship abuse.